It's that time of the year where all I wanna do is go to sleep, and pretend like the world is dead outside my covers. Sadly, noone will let me do so. I don't wanna wake up in the mornings and I don't wanna ever go anywhere besides my bed, because it seems to be the only place where I don't get hurt, unless it's by my own hand. It's been a long while since I have but with every minute that ticks by, my body itches for it more and more. My skin crawls when I sit still for too long and it begins to burn like a fire is blazing underneath it. It's driving me crazy. I can't do anything with wanting to scream and yell at anyone, and everyone. I know that it might be that I am just a teenager, but it this crap doesn't stop, I'm gonna have mental breakdown and there won't be a single thing anyone in this house can do about it. They'll have to admit me if they want to get rid of me. I don't have the strength to let everything go all by myself. Everything gets blurry and all the emotion come at once and there's nothing I can do.

I feel like my life is shutting down and everything is slowing slipping into a massive darkness.

I still love him. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I love him so friggin' much, but he doesn't love me. I don't like it that I have to associate everything with him. I don't want him anymore. I do still love him thou, and it's killing me. It's sickening on how much I relate other guys to him. I can't even have a normal conversation with another guy without him crossing my mind. I want to fix it to where everything doesn't revolve around him. I mean, I can met a perfectly wonderful guy, who could be twice as good to me, as he was, but NO! I say something wrong and I piss them off. It's amazing. It's truly annoying it what it is.

-- Take for example: Justin.
Justin is 19 and he's so sweet to me. He's told me at least once every day for the past two weeks that I am either beautiful, or amazing. He's stuck around after I've already told him no to being his girl-friend. It's like no matter what I do or say, he's still gonna be there whenever I turn around. It's just amazin' to me. Justin calls me his Queen <3 which makes me feel something tingling inside. It's amazin to me. I really amazes me. He makes the room spin when he calls me. We don't get to see each other, because he doesn't have a car anymore. I understand that. I would love to see him, don't get me wrong. I want him to be able to hold me close and rock me away into the nights. And, I do not mean anything sexual, either. I mean, he's the type to just cuddle up close and kiss me on the nose as I slowly drift off to sleep. He's not the kind to put his hand on my butt on the first date... Or at least I hope not.

--I want that innocent relationship, again. You know, the kind of relationship where everything is so sweet. Like, where neither of you know what to do or say, where holding hands is like the first base, instead of getting head? Where when they say "I love you" you don't take it so seriously, and when he kisses you on the cheek, your face turns bright red, and your whole world just spins. I want that again. I want it all back to when I was a kid.

--Goodnight.

Well, this is what's been happening. He did something that hurts more deeper than ever, but I've fixed that hurt more than I can count. Between the random guys and the weed/drinking, I haven't felt a thing. He has no idea, nor do I have any desire to tell him what I've been doing. I've met new people, and I've ran into old friends, I've learned new tricks, and I've recalled old ones. New games and new frames are still just playing it's way around my life. My family doesn't know as much as they think they do. They know that I'm dealing with this, but they don't know how. Anyways, this is what went down. Kris cheated on me and that's how I'm gonna leave it. I don't wanna go into no great details about how I found out or anything like that, I'm just gonna pretend that you already know the story and just keep on talking about stuff you don't know about. First, I've slept with 5 different guys, and everyone of them after Kris, SUCKED! I mean, it was awful, they either don't last long enough, or have no clue what they are doing. It's awful. lol I'm not proud of it, considering I said I wasn't gonna ever sleep with someone outside of a relationship, but FUCK THAT! lol Hmm, One was John, the other was Mitchell, Brody and that is it. The first two were Chris, and Kris. lol

My home life is much better. My parents and I are getting along as much as possible and the siblings and I don't fight as often as we use to. Kitty is with Tim. And Meagan is still with Geffory. lol They're both HAPPY. lol Anyways, Anthony is playing Varsity and Jr. Varsity football. My birthday is coming up in about two weeks, and Monroe is wanting to drink for it. lol hehe, I'm all for it, and then the next night I'll go to Brenda's and party again! Whoo. lol

I gotta go. There's your KETCHUP